dreams

I have been having bothersome dreams lately. Some of them have been extremely persistent... re-starting after a midnight pee-break or an early morning toss/turn.

They feature people and events in my life that have already occurred. They are bothersome because it is usually the bad version of events, how things could've gone wrong, or someone (Lindsay, co-workers, even R.) being mean or negligent when I seek help. In other dreams though, the same individuals will be on my side against whatever blight it is that I am dealing with.

I want them to go away because they are unpleasant, and they are disrupting my sleep. Any ideas?

vacay

So it's over. It's actually been over for a week now. I just have been busy working!

R. arrived for his visit last Tuesday morning. I will admit to being a bit nervous at the airport. There I was, about to pick up a guy that I had never actually met before. We have spent hours chatting on iChat and the like, but to have someone travel 1200 miles to visit you... I have never done that before. We were texting each other on his flights up, as he connected through Seattle. His flight arrived on time, and within moments of him exiting the Arrivals area, any hint of tension was broken as he clandestinely shared the story of the woman who fell down the boarding stairs just before departure, holding things up as all her legal info was collected. It was like two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time, picking right up where they left off.

We headed into Victoria, and spent a great couple of days there. R. has been to the Capital region before, but never with a resident guide. He got the full tour, the harbour, Ogden Point, my neighbourhood, UVic, Lansdowne, a bit of Oak Bay and some of Esquimalt as well. The places that most tourists don't get to.

We went to The Butchart Gardens on the Wednesday, and had Afternoon Tea there, R's first time. It was delicious as usual, and we had a great table overlooking the Picnic Lawns and the Italian Garden all the way down to Butchart Cove. We wandered around in the rain, as I put on my tour guide hat, and ran into several of my old friends and coworkers there.

Thursday we were off to Vancouver. We had tickets to go see Celtic Thunder at the UBC Thunderbird Stadium. I had not had a great deal of exposure to their music before, but R. didn't want to pass up the chance to see them, so off we went. Transit in Vancouver lived up to expectations, and we enjoyed a couple of good meals on our way to and from. I had wanted to see Linds, but alas, our schedules once again were not copacetic. So we had to make-do with a drop-in hello and a special Starbucks drink instead. Friday R. and I headed back to Nanaimo after seeing some of Vancouver and having breakfast, and then had to turn around and go right back to Vancouver to see Les Miserables on Saturday. We had lunch with Liz and Chris at Caffe Barney on Granville, and went off to the matinee. I wasn't familiar with the plot or music from Les Miserables, although R. has seen it before. It was actually quite good! I would like to see the Broadway version at some point if I am ever near it.

We then spent the rest of R's visit bucketing around Nanaimo and area. We walked the Harbourfront and Swy'a'lana Lagoon, and walked around Piper's Lagoon on a stormy afternoon. Movies were watched, dinners were cooked, and a great time was had by all.

I couldn't have asked for a better holiday, or a better person to spend it with.

yay

My week off has finally arrived!

Off to Victoria today, then meeting R at the airport tomorrow, and then nothing to do till Sunday.

:)

And, my heart is improving as well. So things are good!

And I'm out.

physical health

So the stress of dealing with the family has finally gotten to the point where it is affecting my physical health.

Since Saturday, I have had an irregular heart beat. As in too fast almost all the time, and too strong. Accompanied by dizziness/lightheadedness. It has been scary and unpleasant, and I was trying to do the whole "mind over matter" bit, but it wasn't working. Then, I returned to work on Tuesday, and worked an hour shift. I felt fantastic - still a bit of dizziness, but nothing nearly as bad as before. Then I got home, and it all hit home again. My nausea returned, the dizziness returned. Again, I tried mind-over-matter, but to no avail. Went to bed early, medicating myself with Benadryl so I would at least sleep. Woke up at 6:40am this morning, as I normally do, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. 9:40am, I shot bolt awake. My heart was going at about 110bpm, and if I looked at my chest, I could SEE my heartbeat. It was extremely scary.

I called the 811 "talk to a nurse line" and they told me to get to a clinic right away. I went in, and the doctor ran down my entire medical history with me, and couldn't find anything. Then he asked me to describe how I felt, and I said "anxious." He kept pushing, and asked me what had happened in the last 10 days. And then Saturday came up, and I nearly burst into tears. I realized that I had been trying to bottle up what happened at my parents that day.

Long story short, I know have stress-induced tachycardia. I have been placed on ten days worth of beta blockers to lower my blood pressure, lower my heart rate, and make it easier for me to sleep. He also said to me "we can't medicate the anxiety out of you, you need to talk to your parents."

I can't talk to my parents. Linds, Claire, you know that that would accomplish nothing. So I called Liz, and she recommended that I go to the counsellors at the University. So I did. For the second time is six months.

Once again, Craig helped me to label what was going on. He also reiterated that as an adult child, I have a right to establish boundaries. He even went so far as to agree with me on the issue of not riding with an inexperienced driver. He said what is causing my anxiety is that I am on the defensive from the issue still. I am to remind myself that it is over. I am entitled to lay boundaries now, and it may have been tough, but as he said "You did it, and you've done good." Which feels really good to say. He also said that at 25, most people's relationships with their parents begin to change, and start to be defined by the child and NOT the parent.

Sometimes, I feel so weak. I struggle so hard to not care about what is happening with Matthew, but this one just completely hit home. And I wasn't able to let it go. I also shouldn't let it go.

I am staring to ramble, but from now on, I need to constructively re-shape the nature of my relationship with my parents and Matthew. Craig suggested that I say to my mother "Mom, there are things that I am able to engage with regarding Matthew, and there are going to some things that I refuse to participate in, and that is just how it is."

I already feel loads better. The tension is leaving my chest and my shoulders, and I feel like having a little bit of a relieving cry. I rented Marley and Me, so that should trigger a bit of a sob, it did in the theatres.

I'm out.

rough waters

It is time of trial and tribulation that I reminded of just how ridiculous I can become.

I got into an argument at my parent's house on Saturday. Everyone was supposed to be having a nice lunch - it was me, Matthew, Mom and Dad. Mom had made a delicious meal, but things got off to a bad start.

Mom and Dad liked a playlist that I had built for a dinner the previous night. So I put it on again. It was a mix of Amici, G4, Il Divo, that kind of thing. Matthew made a couple of derisive comments about its musicality, and as I am learning to stand up for myself more, I finally just turned to him and said "If you don't like it, can you just say so instead of implying it and berating my music selections." He just shot me an evil look and told me to relax. However, he did stop.

But then he asked if he can drive me to my haircut. Matthew just got his license 5 weeks ago. Those of you who know him would understand why I am a bit trepidatious at the idea. He is so distractable, he has NO professional training... so I just said "No, actually. Until you've had a bit more experience I would rather not." I know it is an odd thing to say, but I feel perfectly within my rights saying it. And besides, when I had my license, I couldn't TOUCH the car until I was in Young Drivers'. Stupid double standard.

Anyways, Matthew flies off the handle about how I don't trust him, I've never trusted him, and that all he wanted to do was show me how good he was. Tensions mounted, and I repeated my concerns, and then my Mom weighed in ON MATTHEW'S SIDE! So I stood my ground. And then Dad pipes in that "We can't plan these meals anymore because you two only ever argue, you (pointing at me) are always after your brother, and you two fight about right and wrong."

So I stood up from my plate, went to the kitchen, and said "I'm going upstairs to pack." And then I left the house.

I am SO SICK and TIRED of that crap. Goddamit, I don't need to take it. There is no battle between right and wrong, and I am completely entitled to my opinion. Sorry Mom.

I called the house after an appropriate period of time, and apologized for leaving, but that it was clearly the only way to end the argument. I reiterated how I felt, and got told that "You are not external to this, you created this! All your brother wanted to do was show you how he is doing something right. And you blew it. He will NEVER care about your opinion anymore, or give a CRAP about your approval."

Let's pause for a second: When did Matthew EVER give a crap about ANYTHING or any advice that I have thrown his way? Did I miss something?

Anyways, now Mom and Dad have cancelled their trip to the mainland for my sister's birthday because she and I have 'an agenda.'

So clearly, I am a horrible human being.

I walked out of my parent's house today. Mid-meal. Something in me snapped.

I was supposed to stay the weekend there, and have been there since Thursday night, and a perfectly pleasant afternoon lunch turned into a screaming match. So I left.

And now I am being blamed for causing the problem all together.

I'm aborting this post.

one of the reasons i love the coast

The view from my sometimes-office at the school.